One of my favorite school counseling lessons that I do every year is called “Making Friends Is An Art.” It’s about a crayon #schoolcounselorlife. The moral of the story is that in order to HAVE good friends, you have to BE a good friend. Kids grasp that very quickly. They can identify exactly what they need to do to be a good friend and put it into practice. I heart the transfer of knowledge for 6 year olds. Adults, however, seem to have a really tough time with this concept. We often think “I’ll be a good friend when that person has earned it” or “If she’s a good friend, then I’ll be a good friend” even, “I’ll be a better friend once I get to know her.” I’m not like a friend guru or anything, but I can tell you that this is faulty thinking.
It is easy for me to talk about friendship hardship because I haven’t always been good at friends. At various times in my life, I’ve struggled meeting people, getting past being acquaintances, friendship maintenance, and even friendship retention. Who knew there were all these weird levels of friendology (made that up)?
It wasn’t until I approached 30 (around 27ish) that I really, truly began to analyze and reflect on myself as a friend and what I wanted my friendship circle to look like. I recently listened to a podcast (SHOCKING) that really cut straight to the chase- I’ve included the link because 1. It’s funny 2. It’s good 3. It’s important. In this podcast, Shasta touches on the idea that women are all craving friendships and few of us really know how to get there. Give it a listen.
Enough of my ramblings, I created a 30somethings Guide to Good Girl Friends. These are things that I’ve began to incorporate into my life and specifically into my friendships over the past 3 years or so. Some of these are funny and some are serious. All of them are true. Please feel free to share your friendship tips with me too. I love friends.
1. Expect your friend to be late
If you’re that person that gets mad when your friend is 15 minutes late, you are on the wrong planet. Don’t set your friends up for failure by expecting them to be on time. Actually, you should expect that they will probably be late, and then if they show up on time, it’s a WIN-WIN! I mean, sorry I was late for our coffee date at Starbucks. Wish I could say it won’t happen again, but definitely will.
At least I showed up.
2. Don’t get mad when your friend cancels
Speaking of showing up, sometimes our friends don’t. Listen, I have a life. My friends all have lives. There are like 1,000 things happening all the time. If someone has to cancel, it’s ok. When I spend time with someone, I want them to be there 100%. If they can’t/don’t want to/stressed about other things going on, let’s just postpone. I have a few tricks and tips for dealing with cancellations: 1. Don’t tell your husband that it was cancelled and use the time to go get a pedi by yourself. I’ve pulled that little stunt twice. 2. Rejoice that it is cancelled and take your bra off. 3. Always have a Plan B so that you aren’t disappointed. There is literally no loss in a cancellation, just a postponement of super fun friend time.
3. Ask questions
This isn’t just a friendship tip. This is a life tip. Do not spend all of your time talking about yourself, figuring out what you’re going to say next, or trying to relate with a “me too” for every word spoken. Ask questions. Learn about someone else. Instead of bringing it back to you, ask a follow up question. People actually love to talk about themselves (even if they don’t admit it), so if you’re trying to make instant friends and feel a little nervous, just ask lots of questions about the other person.
4. Share your stories!
Y’all the Beasleys have new couple friends. I’m not kidding when I say they have the FUNNIEST stories I’ve ever heard in my life. They told me a story about a Chinese Moped that literally made my face hurt from laughing so hard. Sharing your stories is the #1 to making good friends. Sharing stories makes you vulnerable. Vulnerability leads to connection. Connection is the foundation for friendship. On a more serious note, all stories have a time and place, not just the funny ones. I recently shared a shame story. Something that I don’t ever share, never talk about. I hate it so much in my head, but as I spoke it into life, all of the sudden it seemed so small and insignificant. Shame stories love secrecy. Sharing a shame story with a trusted friend takes away its power over you.
5.Don’t gossip.
Just don’t. You’re 30.
6. Don’t tolerate a friend who gossips.
Just don’t. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
7. INVITE INVITE INVITE
Ball is in his court. Ball is in her court. I invited them last time. We’ve had them over 4 times now. We’ve asked them every single time. Y’all. Friendship doesn’t keep score. Doesn’t matter who asked who last blah blah blah. Beasley’s love to party. We love to have fun. We invite, invite, invite. I don’t care if you never ‘return the invitation,’ I’ll invite you every single time because life is more fun with friends, and I have so many other things going on in my life that I can’t keep a running tab of who invited me and when.
8. Encourage & Empathize
Sometimes a friend just needs to hear, “I’m so sorry” or “That really sucks.” They do not need to hear that you’ve had that same thing happen or worse, “if you think that’s bad, let me tell you about this…” Friends need someone to listen. Someone to honestly connect with their feelings. Someone to encourage them. That’s all. They need a friend not a guide or a teacher or an expert.
9. Compliment Strengths
Sincere compliments. I love compliments. Only real ones. I can literally find some compliment for every single person I see. People are just great. All of my friends have different strengths. I love to compliment them on those strengths because it is genuine, it is empowering, and it makes them feel good. Sometimes it feels like Life-1000 and Jordon-0. When we compliment each other’s strengths, we just feel more confident and capable to tackle life. Tell your friends what makes them incredible.
10. Be Honest
This is tough. We want to be nice to our friends because we want them to continue being our friends. As a friend, it is kind of your job to tell it straight sometimes. In a very loving, ‘I’m only saying this because you’re my friend’ way. A year and a half after my friend had her baby and lost all her baby weight, she was still trying to rock a maternity tank top. As her friend, I said “listen, I cannot allow you to wear those anymore.” She appreciated my honesty. It is my job to look out for her. And also not let her wear shirts that she wore 30 lbs ago. My friend Megan literally insults me in some way every single day, but she’s honest and I like that. If you aren’t willing to tell them, who will? Not their husband because husbands can’t tell you bad stuff.
11. Always have wine.
Because duh.
12. More the Merrier Mentality
You know what sucks? Being exclusive. I have a more the merrier mentality. I get so carried away that my guest list reaches 50 in no time. I love all the people and I HATE when people feel left out. I actually have to set hard limits and rules for inviting other people. More the merrier mentality is a beautiful thing. People love to be included, and if you want to be a good friend, you need to include everyone. There is a disclaimer: there are some people out there that we can’t trust, that steal our joy, that we have to filter ourselves around and you should never ever feel obligated to invite these people. I don’t.
13. Reserve your judgment
Guess what nobody needs? You to judge them. Notta one person in your life has time for that. We are often our very own worst critic. So, believe me, we are all judging ourselves hard enough already. As a counselor, I have come to believe that everyone has a reason for their behavior. You may not agree with it, you may not like it, and you may not approve of it. But, they have a reason for it. Unless you know that reason, your judgment is irrelevant. So save it, sister.
FRIENDSHIP BONUS ADVICE: Give recommendations
I love a friend that can give me good recommendations. All kinds. I need a recommendation for everything. Best place to get sushi. New Netflix series. Book recs, good Lord in Heaven, I LOVE book recommendations. Travel tips. How to force my child to put on his pants. When someone gives me a recommendation, I feel like they are letting me in on a little secret. Like “you know, this girl has my back” and I like that.
Thank the good Lord for friends who tell you when it's time to give up the maternity wear.
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