This essay could very adequately be called “Trust in the Lord.” That is exactly what this boils down to, but no one would read it. At the end of the day when I’m lying in bed, in the dark, with no distraction, I feel my soul trusting in the Lord. Hang with me. Everyone has heard of the old adage, “the calm before the storm.” It is usually followed by “chaos in the storm” or “rough seas.” It reminds me of these paintings I saw in a shop in the El Born district of Barcelona. I am on the brink of brand-new, uncharted territory. Seas that I have not yet explored.
I typically set the expectations that I have for myself based on prior experiences. “When X happened, I had a major freak out. It turned out ok. So, when Y happens, I will have just a minor freak out this time because it will also be ok.” These are real conversations that I have with myself. Sometimes out loud. We can chat about my sanity some other time. In past experiences, I have been unusually calm in big, scary situations. This is a great thing. One of my best qualities. Unfortunately, I have pretty major freakouts over small things. This is a terrible thing. One of my worst qualities. Here’s a great example:
Hypothetical 1: We are bankrupt. We are going to lose the house.
Me: “Let’s stay calm. Everything will be fine. Let’s think this through. There have to be other options.”
Hypothetical 2: We are running 10 minutes late for church.
Me: “We might as well just stop going to church all together. I have to resign as deacon. We are not good members.” (Jordon cries all the way to church because she believes she is an embarrassment)
In this new, uncharted territory on the brink of a full-blown tidal wave, I feel an unusual sense of calm. I feel peace down in my bones. I am scared. I am sad. I am overwhelmed. I am nervous. I am calm. I am at peace. I am certain. I have spent my life chasing 2 things- stability and certainty. One usually hampers the other. Rarely do I get both at the same time, and when I do it is only for a moment. This situation is no different. In this state, I feel a certainty that can only come from God.
My name is Jordon Beasley and I am a control freak. I don’t think they have 12 step programs for this, but they should. I want to control everything. I want to plan everything. I want life to follow along the trajectory that I have drawn in my head. I am the Artist here, people. Welcome to my canvas. (Lots of metaphors)
For the first time in 30 years, I am releasing control. It’s weird just to type it. I am an active passenger in this handbasket. I used to hate when people would say “it’s in God’s hands” or “Let Go and Let God.” I kind of want to roll my eyes. Not because of the God part, but that is something that passive people say. People with an external locus of control. Just along for the ride. Honey, that aint me. I’m a hustler in this life. I go after what I want. I dream big and then make it happen, captain. What I didn’t realize is that I can do both. I can be a hustler and also relinquish my need to control every.single.thing and have all the answers.
Even my prayer is different. YOUR will, not mine. I have uttered those words 1,000 times, but I’m not sure if I ever actually meant them. What I was really praying when I said those words is “God, you know my heart. Grant the desires in my heart” or “Hey God, don’t you think we could have the same Will this time? Like my will can be your will too?” For the first time, I mean it. YOUR will. There is a ridiculous, tremendous peace waiting for you when you relinquish your control. When you really, truly believe that God is in control.
Let me put a disclaimer on this, right now. I am still not a passive person. I am not sitting around waiting for God to throw me a blessing every now and again. I am not at home just praying to find good fortune. Darling, I’m still hustling. Every single day. The difference is, I pray for direction. I pray that God will show me WHAT to hustle for. I pray that God will speak to me in the depth of my soul and tell me if this is the right thing. I am still controlling myself, but God is my Consultant. He’s my boss. He says, “Yes, this is great. This is what I have in store for you” or he says, “This isn’t it Jordon. Keep hustling. Keep working. Keep praying. You’ll find it.” This is not scriptural folks. Just my journey.
In this uncharted territory, God and I have had both of these exchanges. The scarier it is, the more I want to retreat to “But, God, can’t we have the same Will this time?” or even “Um, no, God. I didn’t feel your presence when that happened. Maybe I need a stronger sign.” This is fear. This is me fighting for control. This season is teaching me more about self-awareness. It is teaching me to listen. It is teaching me about faith. It is teaching me to trust, both in myself and in God.
I have been frantically scouring the internet for a picture of those paintings from Barcelona. That husband of mine. He knew how much I loved them and he took pictures on his phone. He is so good. Here they are! The Chaos & The Calm.
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