This one is for all the mamas or soon-to-be mamas or want-to-be mamas. If you do not fall into this category, you will probably hate this blog and roll your eyes a lot. At least I warned you. If there is one piece of advice, one thing from my heart of hearts that I want share with you, it is this “Don’t forget yourself.” The new season of parenting is hard. The days are a total cluster. It took me a year and a half to find even a semblance of the person I was pre-baby.
When I first became a mother, I did not make time for myself at all. Mom guilt was the most real and gut-wrenching thing that I have ever experienced. If the baby woke up in the middle of the night, I had to get up and rock him, change him, feed him. If I didn’t, if I dared to let my husband help me, I would cry. I am his mother. I am supposed to meet his needs. When the baby napped, I did not nap. Instead I washed bottles, pump parts, or just simply stared at him while he was sleeping to admire my greatest blessing. When I showered, I would bring my son’s Boppy lounger or Rock N Play into the bathroom with me and watch him while I showered. If this sounds like an insane person, it is because I was.
Lord Jesus be with us all on the day I had to return to work. I like working. I like having a break from the baby. I like feeling like Jordon and not Young’s Mom. The guilt that accompanied me for feeling this way was insurmountable. At 2:45, I would run to my car, go straight to daycare, take my son home and attend to his every single need until I did it all again the next day.
After his first birthday, I began to give myself a little grace. I started allowing myself to do things for me. I would leave work at 3pm, go home and take a nap for 30 minutes. I would go get a pedicure before heading to daycare. I would go for a run or workout. You know what? The world did not stop turning. Young still loves me. I am still a good mother. In fact, I am a better mother because I take care of myself. I make time for myself. I love myself.
I see mamas all the time become ONLY mama. Like a whole new self emerged with the birth of their baby. Most moms more or less choose to do this intentionally. Some make a conscious decision every day to choose baby over every other thing. It's totally ok to choose baby. I mean, I love a good baby or two. My worry is that you're going to forget who you are, forget what you love, forget your identity, and eventually forget that you forgot. You’re a mother AND an individual. You are not just a mother. Both are equally important.
Annie F. Downs said “draw a circle around yourself and find who is inside it. This is your tribe.” My tribe is a bunch of 30something mamas. We talk about the whole gamut of things, but mainly we talk about parenting and mom life and the struggle that is oh so real. My heart hurts when I hear the nostalgic tales of what they were like before babies. I didn’t know some of them before they were moms. I hear my mom friends say things all the time like:
“One day I’ll get back into _____.”
“Well, before I had the baby I really loved _____.”
“These days, I don’t really want to ______. I just want to spend all my time with my baby.”
“My oldest is _, and we’ve never spent a night without him.”
“We haven’t been on a date night since before baby was born.”
Let me be very clear, THIS WAS MY BIGGEST FEAR when I became pregnant. It was not birth. It was not the whole lemon and watermelon equation. Thank GOD for C-Sections. It was not breastfeeding. It was not keeping my baby alive. It was absolutely, without a doubt losing myself and my life.
I distinctly remember being on a walk with a very dear friend. Her son was about 12 weeks old, and I was about 36 weeks pregnant. We are both huge runners. I was complaining about not being able to run and how much I miss it. She was sympathizing with me, “oh girl, I was the same way. I missed it so much. I know exactly how you feel.” I felt better for about 30 seconds, but then she followed it up with “But you know, since I had baby, I haven’t even wanted to run. I don’t even think about it. I just want to spend all my time with baby and husband.”
Cue major internal FREAK OUT. What? This terrified me. You mean, you have completely stopped doing the one thing that you loved and now you only want to spend time with your baby? Jesus take the wheel.
As it turns out, I found out weeks later that her focus merely shifted. She was no longer in a season of running. She had moved on. She didn’t give up on herself, her freedom or her identity, her interests simply changed. Her new thing was photography. She took photography classes and did one-on-one sessions. She made time for her, but I was too shocked and terrified for explore this further at the time.
Before you become a mother, you are someone. This someone took years to construct. You have a story that led you there. All of these roads that led you to this exact place to become this exact person. Who you were before you were "mama" should be honored. Don’t leave that girl hanging out to dry because you have little tiny humans that need your attention.
Remembering ourselves goes against all that feels natural. It's actually really hard. The first month or two of new parenthood is SO hard. I remember it vividly and it was almost two years ago. I did not know how to survive. I was waking up to breastfeed. Waking up to pump. My life revolved around a nap schedule. I scarcely showered. I felt very accomplished if I brushed my teeth before noon. It was nearly impossible to remember my name, let alone things that I loved. After those first couple of months, you begin to get the hang of it. It does not necessarily get easier, but you begin to figure it out and make it work. This is the time, the golden opportunity, for you to remember who you are. Figure out how to bring that girl from the past with you to the present.
My advice, if you are not yet a mother but considering becoming one, is to write down the things that you love to do. This may feel silly. Why would I write them down? I know what I like to do. Believe me, you’ll forget. When do you feel like your truest self? If you are already a mother, reflect on what life was like before you had a baby(ies). What did you spend your time doing? What did you enjoy?
If you painted, then find time to paint.
If you enjoyed writing, then write.
If you enjoyed the gym, go back to the gym.
If you were a runner like me, make time to run.
You used to be super duper crafty and creative, then craft and create my friend.
You were an avid reader? Read, sister. Read.
Doesn’t matter what it is sewing, gardening, baking, playing an instrument, whatever your thing was, make sure it is still your thing.
You will not have time to do it with the dedication and commitment that you had before. It can’t be your whole life. If you were an Ironman triathlete, good luck maintaining that kind of regimen. You CAN enjoy it to some degree, but you have to be intentional about making time for it.
Not that you asked for it, but I'm giving you permission to make time for yourself. You deserve it. You need it. You are not a bad mother because you choose to spend an hour doing something that you enjoy. Motherhood is a delicate balancing act. I do not have it figured out yet, but I’ve been working on it every day for 2 years.
Making time for yourself takes a lot of effort. As we begin the season of motherhood, we have a lot of people and things that depend on us. This varies from person to person, but we all have an overextended plate.
For me, it looked like this:
Being a mother
Being a wife
Being a school counselor to 975 children
Being an active member of my church
Being a Girls on the Run coach
Being on several committees at church and school
This is a lot of things. I loved all of them, but I was spreading myself so thin. I was so busy being all of these things for all of these people that I really wasn’t good at any of it, and my self-care was getting the crap end of the deal. Even through all of this life stuff, I FORCED myself to do things for me. I still trained for and ran my 3rd marathon. It actually put me over the edge. I essentially had no down time. No time to do “nothing.” To rest. To breathe. To reflect. I was hustling all the time. I overcorrected, if you will.
It took time, but I learned to balance. I learned to let some things go. I learned to say no. I love sleep. I love sleep so much, but I started going to bed at 9:30 and waking up at 5:30. At 5:30, I work out or go for a run, then I pack lunches, do a devotional, sip coffee, and pray. Could I sleep for an extra hour? Yes. Am I tempted to sleep for an extra hour every single day? Yes. Every day. Did I sleep an extra hour today? Yes. Wednesdays are very long. BUT- I know that this hour in the morning is MY time. I rebalance. I rededicate. I reflect. I refocus. This is my time. The rest of my day can be dedicated to others, but that one hour is just for me. I still give myself a little bonus after work sometimes to take a bath or read a book before my trip to daycare.
This has helped me so much. This does not take time away from my family, my job, my church. I am able to be fully present BECAUSE I take time for myself. When I am with my son, I am his mother. When I am with my husband, I am able to focus on him as his wife. When I’m at school, these 975 children are the only things that matter me. I am present in my own life BECAUSE 5:30 am - 6:30 am I am focused on me. So, focus on you, too. Maybe you can’t do it every single day. Maybe you don’t have to. I do. Start with a couple days a week. Carve out 30-45 minutes and do something for you because your heart needs it and it fills your soul. Do it to honor the girl you were before life hit you.
It doesn’t need to be extravagant. It doesn’t need to be this crazy new thing that you have all of the sudden decided you’d like to try. That only makes life a little bit harder. There is a time and place for new things, but this season might not be it. I like easy.
Be resolute. Be strict. Be determined. Be unyielding.
- Read one chapter of a book before bed.
- Eat one cookie because 1 cookie is not standing in the way of you and that extra 15 lbs of baby weight.
- Take a bubble bath.
- Go for a walk.
- Exercise.
- Watch an episode of some silly, girly show. This Is Us is a great option.
- Do a devotional.
- Write 500 words before bed.
- Take a nap. For the love.
- Work on something creative for a few minutes every day until it’s complete.
Whatever it is that you choose, do it. Be intentional. Be motivated.
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