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My Life in SAHMbles

Things that would happen if I were a Stay At Home Mom…It Ain’t Pretty…
Here’s something I learned about myself recently- I am excellent at routines...until I am not. I am one that easily sets into a stride. As long as things remain the same, I am a machine. I can get into a groove and stay there forever. That is until something in my environment changes. During the school year, I have a very strict way of living life. Even my neighbors say, “We’ll text you after your Wednesday mark.” Because if you know me, then you know that Monday-Wednesday is all work, no play (except the occasional book club which I prefer to be on Thursday).


Unfortunately and also THANK YOU GOD there are breaks in the school year. Christmas Break and Spring Break. During these breaks, I am basically a train wreck. I can’t get anything done. My productivity goes out the window. I forget how to function. All of the sudden my 24 hours in one day feels like only 5 hours and also like 500 hours at the same time.  It is so cray.
Over Spring Break my life got flipped turned upside down. I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there. I’ll tell how my life would crumble with no full-time childcare. (See what I did there? Sing it out loud, it totally works)

1. Reach my step goal every day

Over spring break, I went on like 750 walks. At least 100 per day. We walked in the morning. We walked in the afternoon. We took evening family walks. Being inside with a 2 year old is like playing racquetball except you have no goggles or a racket and the ball is on fire. When we weren't walking, we were just outside. In the yard. Where things aren't breakable. I'm pretty sure I even let Young play in the street. I can't be held responsible for these long hours. Pilots get a break, but moms don't?

2. We would go bankrupt

If there is one thing that I can do really well, it is spend all of our money. I went to fabric market with my grandma. I mean, can you blame a girl for spending quality time with her grandma? I went shopping with my friend. I mean, at least it was the OUTLET mall. Mama didn’t even pay full price. I went to all the grocery stores because that’s my idea of a good time. Cheaper than a vacation! I got a mani, pedi, discovered Facebook Marketplace. Anyway, I spent approximately $2.3 million over spring, but I have a lot of produce to show for it.

3. I would become very handy

During nap time, I am pacing the hallways unable to leave the house and bored out my mind. I notice lots of projects. All of the sudden, I’m changing out the batteries in the smoke detector (thank you This Is Us). I picked up gardening. Rearranged all the furniture. If it was broken, I watched like 2 minutes of a 8 minute YouTube video and just started winging it. I mean, I'm a self-taught plumber, electrician, handy-man. 

4. My personal hygiene would go out the window

This is TMI. I know that. I told you that I struggle with boundaries. Over spring break, there were at least 4 days where I wasn’t sure if I brushed my teeth. Rather that risk brushing them twice, I just decided to trust my gut. It was probably wrong.

5. I’d never have to shop for clothes again

SB wardrobe: workout pants: check. T-shirt: check. Tennis Shoes: check. I’m like Doug Funny. Wearing the same clothes e’eryday.

6. My diet would be atrocious

Let me tell you what I ate over spring break: everything.

7. I’d get more sleep

This is actually my very favorite thing. Because, as you know, sleep in my favorite hobby. I slept until like 8:30 every single day. I took a nap in the afternoon. I went to bed around 9. Y’all. So much sleep. This kind of happiness isn't good for me. It sets my expectations for reality unrealistically high.

8. My house would be so clean

That’s right. I said it. I’m not really a June Cleaver type, but boy I was cleaning that house like it was a full time job. Scrubbing baseboards..ok, 1 baseboard. I only cleaned one baseboard. Those are literally the worst. I immediately got a manicure to apologize to my poor hands for that fresh torture.

9. I’d accidentally become a super crunchy hippie

Accidentally is the key word. Not because I’m super earthy, but because I get super lazy. Stopped brushing my teeth (already covered), stopped wearing real clothes (already covered), didn’t wear any makeup. I didn’t even know myself by Thursday. I started to see how Walter White went down that very slippery slope in Breaking Bad. One day you're a nice Chemistry teacher, the next day...well, you've seen the show. 

10. Pray more

Because toddlers.

11. Drink more

Because toddlers.

12. Become a hermit

Any time I have a break, I make all these grand plans. I have big activities and outings for every single day. Then, the reality sets in. I’m not leaving the house. Ever. Unless I need more wine.

13. Break a record for most episodes of “The Wiggles” watched in one day.

The Wiggles are literally my demise. I HATE the Wiggles. Seriously, what are children even learning? The songs are all nonsensical. Stupid skits. No numbers. No colors. No moral values. One episode did have a song about not bringing peanuts to preschool, but what preschooler packs their own lunch? I could literally hate on the Wiggles for the rest of my life. Wouldn’t you know, Young freaking loves the Wiggles. After 8 hours of Wiggle episodes, I had to wean him. Weaning is not my specialty. I’m a cold turkey type. How did I wean Young from the paci? We kept losing them. I refused to buy more. Told homeboy to deal with it. The Wiggles though. Yikes. I almost caved. But then we discovered Daniel Tiger. Dear Lord in Heaven, thank you for Daniel Tiger. If I had to hear “Fruit Salad. Yummy Yummy” one more time, my ears would bleed.

In conclusion, structure, sweet structure. I need all the structure in the world to be a fully functioning citizen. My structure includes a 9-5 (well 7:45-3:30 because #counselorlife). Without it, my life would become one giant disaster.


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