2019: The year I failed my resolution on the 1st day

2019. Deep sigh.

Of course I have some reflective things to share here, some goals to attain, some hopes for the upcoming year. But first, a ridiculous moment of 2019.

Like all of you, I resolved to start the New Year off on a healthy foot! I’ve been be all chocolate, cookies, cheese, wine, vodka, burgers, pizza, tacos for like a month. So, on December 30th, I spent my life savings on a 3 Day Juice Cleanse. Get this- TO BE PICKED UP ON JANUARY 1st. No collards- and it’s a good thing because apparently there are no collards left in SC or GA, No black eyed peas or juicy steak- just juice.

Like all the things- this was not well planned, it was an impulsive choice and followed by a hasty execution. I woke up this morning at 8:30 with a class 5 hangover. My husband should know by now that I can’t make my own drinks. I get my sweatpants on and wash my red lipstick off, and I head to the juice store. I pick up my fancy juices. I instagram my fancy juices. I google “how to do a juice cleanse.” I made it through my first juice. Hangover moves to a class 6. I made it through my 2nd juice. Hangover moves to a class 7. Did I mention I have a 2 year old?

Mommy needs a nice relaxing bath. I fill my tub up with bubbles. I get one of those funny face masks that looks like the mask Jason wears in Halloween. I turned off all the lights. I asked Alexa to “play a Guided Meditation from Spotify” - Wasn’t sure if that was a thing, thank God it was. The nausea is real.

I get out of the tub. Try once again to be a productive person. I made it down the hallway, ran to the bathroom, and vomited. Like 4 times. Deep heaves. It was really bad. I get my 3rd juice out of the fridge. We go on a 10 minute golf cart ride, and somehow before we pull back in the driveway my husband has convinced me to order a Pizza, drink Diet Coke and start tomorrow. By convinced me, he suggested it and followed it up with "no pressure." Y’all. I failed at my resolution on Day 1. ONE. UNO. It was like noon. I made it to noon. Who on God’s green earth says “I’ll start tomorrow” on JANUARY 1st??? ME. I did. This is gonna be a good year, I can already tell.

Ok, so, saying goodbye to 2018. 2018 was a tough year for the Beasley’s. We said a lot of goodbyes. Goodbye to Oakview drive, goodbye to my bestie living next door, goodbye to our friends, to our church, goodbye to my school and students, goodbye to 3 chickens, goodbye to our sweet pup, Maddox. It was just hard. I’m happy to see it go.

It wasn’t all bad. 2018 was also a GREAT BIG HELLO! to so many things. To new friends, to a new home, to all the new wallpapers, to a new school and new students, a new church, to beginning my doctorate degree, to fun and exciting experiences in the A, to the new stage of toddlerhood which is equally challenging and entertaining.

Let’s just say, I wouldn’t trade it but I wouldn’t want to do it again.

Every year, for the past 3 years, instead of a resolution, I choose One Word. My word in 2017 was “serve,” in 2018 I chose “connection.” Both were great. This year, I did a lot of soul-searching. I thought about Grace because no one has expectations for me than I do for myself. I need a little grace sometimes. I thought about joy because joy can be found in all the moments even the hard ones when you look for it and choose it. I considered peace. But, remember last year? Peace just ain’t my thing. This year is going to be a little be different.

I left Greenville in such a good place mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, not really maternally, but I was improving. I was on the road to my best self. But, I had this weird and annoying feeling that I couldn’t shake. I’m pretty sure I tried to describe to my husband and to aforementioned bestie. The best I could manage to verbalize it was “I feel like I’m on the brink of something great.” Not great as in good or great as in awesome, but great as in “Greatness” or “Excellence.” It was super weird. At this point, we didn’t know we were moving. I didn’t know that life as I knew it would come to a screeching halt and disappear before my very eyes. I’m great with dramatizations. Anywho, I assumed that Atlanta must be it. This must be the great thing I’m on the verge of. Needless to say, if you’ve ever moved, it isn’t great at first. It was hard and painful and sad and stressful sometimes. Now that I’m here, now that we’re settling in, that feeling is coming back. This time, I don’t feel overly excitable or anxious or like I need to do anything or some big change is coming. This time, I hear a whisper saying “Be Still.” Be still & know.  Stay the course, do what you’re supposed to do. Live your best life. And be still.

I can't help but wonder. What sort of Greatness is in store? My career when I get my Ph.D.? Aaron lands a big deal and buys me a beach house? Least likely scenario. I get my publishing career started? We add to our family? I don't know. I don't need to know. I just need to be still. I mean, Ima still hustle because that's what I do.

So, my “word” for 2019 is ‘Be Still’. You see, I’m not still. I’m not relaxed. I’m not easygoing. I’m not “go with the flow” or “take it easy” or “chill.” I’m an Enneagram 7. I’m an enthusiast. I’m an experience-seeker and a joy rebel. I want the hype all the time. In learning more about my enneagram (one of my 2019 resolutions), I read this today from the Enneagram Institute,

Sevens grow by recognizing that real happiness is available anytime, anywhere: the price of admission is their willingness and ability to be quiet, to be still inside themselves,and to open their eyes to the wonder and richness of life all around them.

"Be still inside themselves". Coincidence? Maybe. But, I don't personally believe in coincidences. I call it an affirmation. I'm on the right track. This is going to be hard. This is going to take practice. This is going to be a life changer. I’m doing something I’ve literally never done and that is to “just be.” To stop planning and controlling and thrill-seeking. I will Be Still and Know. I’m not the one who’s in control anyway.

So, Welcome 2019! I know you will bring joy. I know you will bring fun and adventure. I know that you will also come with stress and obstacles. You’ve already brought me so much hope.