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I Can't Even Trust Myself


I would like to begin this blog with one of my very favorite Aaron K. Beasley stories. Picture this, 2014 before we had Youngie, before we were married. Just a couple of kids living our best life. Drinking beers. Hanging out. Aaron and I decide to go brewery hoppin’ in Athens with his parents. This is also the story of time I pulled down my pants in the living room and tried to pee at the game table in front of Aaron’s whole family. I will not divulge those particular details on a social media platform, but I will gladly tell you over a margarita sometime. 
Back to the point of this story-which is Aaron. I learned that day that Aaron is the self-proclaimed King of Athens. Who knew? He has the low down. Knows all the hot spots. Basically a local. He is going on and on and on about all the times he spent there in college with “my boys”. Aaron is so excited to be everyone’s guide to the Athens experience that he needs to approve everyone’s outfit before we depart. “You have to dress hip, Mom.” “Athens is really hip.” Grilling everybody about their ensemble choice because he is apparently also now on the fashion police force. 
We get to Terrapin- my first time. We get in this longest line of all time with all these college teeny-boppers with fake ids probz. Aaron says “well, Athens has certainly changed.” Just to set the stage- the 90s grunge look had just made a hard comeback. Weird acid-washed jeans, lots of plaid, ripped t-shirts, converses. Basically any 30-somethings actual nightmare. Aaron is standing there wearing a bright-ass orange Ralph Lauren polo- the horse logo means you’re hip- with SEERSUCKER baby blue shorts. Y’all. Homeslice was wearing seersucker.  He looks at me and says “is it just me, or does everyone here look homeless?”
I tell this story because I am now standing in the same spot as Aaron Beasley. I’m not wearing seersucker. Let’s be serious. But, I’ve come to acknowledge that I can’t trust myself anymore. I don’t know what is cool. Is Taylor Swift still cool? I actually love Lizzo. I mean, I’m into tacos and wine. I don’t even know how to find out what is cool. I have a Facebook friend that posted a recommendation for “someone to repair her trenchcoat.” Not like a cute Kate Spade trenchie with a bow in the back, like a hipster trenchcoat that you wear with a weird 80s denim jumpsuit. What has happened? 
Excuse me while I get a little existential here. This all hit me while I watching Bachelor In Paradise...duh. First of all, this is season 6 and I remember season 1. But, I noticed that all my peeps are “has-beens.” Chris is 34 and he is on the intro with a walker on the beach. Anyone pre-Kaitlyn’s season of the Bachelorette was voted off week 1. I actually don’t even know any of the guys. Am I in the has-been club? I mean, no. Right? They are referencing Jade and Tanner (love them, btw) but can we go back to like Jason and Molly? Anyone even remember them? 
Fashion and music is where it hits me the hardest. I’m over here aspiring to be Katie Kime. 

Yes to tassels. Yes to watermelon print. Yes to pom pom shoes. Yes to all of the things bringing me life.
Meanwhile, stores across America are selling this.
Why are these belt loops so low? Where is the rest of your shirt? Are your sleeves attached or are those slide-on shoulder warmers? I don’t think they even make strapless bras with that much support for me anymore. You gone fall, girl. It’s a long way down with those platforms.
And, celebs are wearing this.
Why so much anime? 
Call me old fashioned. Hell, call me just “old”. I can’t care. There are certain things I’m just not willing to get behind:
  1. The Jonas Brothers.
  2. 90’s thick denim jeans. Looking like Levi’s made a comeback. No thank you.
  3. Crop tops. 
  4. Scrunchies. I’ll stick to my hair-colored hair ties. 
  5. Snapchat. I ain’t got time to be snapping. I ain’t got time to be looking at your Snaps. Hello, InstaStories. That’s where the heart is. 
  6. Thick eyebrows. I can’t wait for your kids to look back at these photos. You got some s'plaining to do...
  7. Being “too cool” for Facebook. Facebook is still cool to me. I enjoy seeing all your baby photos and some of your dinners.

This leaves me with a lot of questions to ponder before I fall asleep with my eye mask on and white noise playing on my Alexa. Am I alone in this? Do I just keep living my dream and throw caution to the wind? Is there a sign-up where cool trends of the week will come straight to my inbox? How do college kids know what's cool? I'm almost positive they don't watch tv. Who can I call to suggest that we begin adding age ranges to all ads and commercials? Maybe I should just focus on the things we can all agree on like tacos and Game of Thrones.

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