What is #adulting anyway?

Well, ladies and gentleman. I made it through my 30th year. I’m now the ripe old age of 31. Thirty taught me a lot. Thirty kicked my tail a little.  Mainly, thirty taught me what “adult” means. I’m not talking about the noun, here. I’m going straight for the verb. We’ve all seen those cute shirts that say “I can’t adult today” or the hashtag #adulting. Y’all, adulting is hard.

I didn’t choose the adult life. It chose me. And it is hard. Quite honestly, I can’t do all the adult things. I’ve learned that you have to pick and choose your adult things. To do all of the adult things in the same day would be my worst nightmare. I literally couldn’t leave the house. I probably wouldn’t smile all day long. Take a look at the following. Tell me you can do all of these things. I don’t believe you.

1. Brush your teeth twice a day.

Sure, this one is easy. Who doesn’t brush their teeth twice a day? I’ll tell you who didn’t, me in my twenties. My oral hygiene is questionable at best. For the first year of my marriage, I shared a toothbrush with Aaron. I’m not sure he knew or maybe he did know and just avoided the fact. I’ve now started brushing twice a day. Every day. No exceptions. Even when I’m wine drunk. I can’t have these pearly whites getting wine stained.

2. Wash your makeup off every night before bed.

I’m up to 4 days a week. More than that is just too much to ask for. No, I don’t have one of those extra adulty 20 minute nighttime regimens where everyone was using Rodan + Fields, now switched to BeautyCounter, blah blah. All I do is wipe off my face with a Neutrogena makeup wipe. I know how terrible, beautycounter friends. I do not need a lesson here. The point is, this is LITERALLY the fastest, easiest face washing regimen and I still can’t do it 7 times a week. I can’t. I’m sorry.

3. Get your hair cut every 6-8 weeks to avoid split ends.

Every year, I say “this is going to be the year. I’m going to take better care of my hair.” Every year I make it until like May and then I fall off the wagon. Split ends are in right? The 80s are back, roots are cool now, y’all.

4. Flossing, not the dance move, but your teeth. Even 3 days a week.

Now this is a brand spanking new hobby for me. Flossing is easy. My hygienist said that I should floss every day. I’m all like, yeah, but what’s like the minimum? She replied “every day.” I said, oh yeah, right, well I’m not going to do that so what’s good enough? She said start with 3 days a week. And I bumped that down to two because she didn’t seem trustworthy to me anymore.

5. Getting your eyes checked, your moles examined, your yearly physical, your yearly gynecological exam.

All the doctors need to see me. Apparently, my health is my greatest investment or something. They tell me this after all the money I’ve spent on education. Doctors are all like “you need readers now” “We have to take this spot and this spot and this spot” What am I, a Dalmatian?

6. Taking vitamins.

I got one of those fancy pill bottles like all the other 80 year olds. It’s pink. The print is enlarged so that I don’t have to wear my readers. Taking my vitamins like a champ. I'm stuffing all kinda pills in there. Glucosamine, biotin, prozac, gummy vitamins. The more the healthier, right?

7. Eating a balanced diet.

Gone are the days of carbs for every meal. I’ve gained like 6 lbs and all I do is eat vegetables. Where did my metabolism go? How do I get it back? Thank God cauliflower comes in like 9 different forms now. Monday Cauli-rice. Tuesday Cauli-crusted pizza. Wednesday buffalo roasted cauliflower. Thursday cauli-fry (like stirfry). Friday- cauli-casserole. Saturday- cauliflower salad. Sunday cauli-tortillas.  All the cauli- all the time.

8. Getting 45 minutes of exercise 4 days a week as recommended by the Heart Association.

In between my flossing, brushing, working, momming, and wifeing, my heart rate was up for at least 45 minutes. Does that count as exercise?

9. Maintaining a savings account with money in it.

This is what husbands are for. Mama aint got time to be financial planning. I don’t even have access to the savings account. That’s the financial plan around here.

10. Getting to work on time.

I mean, some people do. Some people don’t. You don't have to raise your hand here. Just live your truth.

11. Washing, drying, folding, and putting away laundry in the same day.

And all the mamas laughed out loud. This is the holy grail of adulthood. On a good day, I can get two of four. Most often, I put a third load of laundry in the wash and dry it two days later.