Well, ladies. I’ve finally put away all my sparkles and sequins and glitter, stripped my face of 4 days worth of makeup, 3 sets of fake lashes, and 25 coats of matte lipstick. Only took a week to return to my normal state.
In case you’re wondering, I did not launch a career as a drag queen, but I did just return from my first girls’ trip since my twenties…First, how did this happen? How have I not been on a girls’ trip in 3+ years? When did I become so lame? I can’t even blame it on the Rona because it's’ only been around for a year. I mean, I guess I could blame it on PhD schoo.
Anyway, the content of this post is not to analyze when I stopped being cool. The point here is that girl’s trips have changed. I’m not sure when your last girls’ trip was, but I’m pretty sure you need to know what to expect. I’ve included direct quotes. You’re welcome.
1. I have a very strict itinerary. It includes 2 naps per day.
Itinerary in your 20’s:
10am: wake up
11am: Drag Brunch
12pm: Shopping, won’t buy anything. Can’t afford it.
1pm: Drinking
2pm: Lunch
3pm: Pedal tavern
4pm-6pm: Pop the champagne and start getting ready for the night
6pm: Pre-dinner drinks
7pm-9pm: Dinner
9pm: Head out to the first bar.
10pm-2am: Continue to rally, dance, drink, and be merry.
3am: 4th meal. Pass out.
Itinerary in your 30’s (this is our actual day):
6am: Wake up, realize you don’t have to take care of anyone, get anyone dressed, and you have no one to feed. Go back to sleep.
8:30am: Wow! I haven’t slept that late in years. Time to get ready.
10:30am: Drag brunch.
12pm: First nap.
2pm: Shopping. Accidentally picked out a $900 skirt. Thought very seriously for a very long time about buying it. Then decided that is the most insane idea I’ve ever had.
4pm: Second nap
5:30pm: Wake up. Realize I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life. Call boutique to ask if skirt is still there. It is. Still can’t afford it. Head out for the Pedal tavern where we actually want to pedal to burn off the booze, biscuits, and french fries.
7pm: Dinner. Salads for the table. No need to go back to the hotel to get ready, I’ll just wear this raincoat and these leggings.
9pm: Go to the honky tonks with our masks on because ain’t nobody trying to get the COVID. “What’s your nicest vodka?” “Oh, ok Smirnoff is probably fine.”
11:30pm: In uber on the way back to the hotel. Can we stop by White Castle?? Best.Day.Ever.
$900 skirt. Just call me Moira Rose.
2. If you don't jump to put spanx on, baby, you don't feel my pain (hol' up) - Megan Thee Stallion, ft. Brooke Barlow
Girls’ trips in my 20’s: Can I borrow your lace bandeau bra? I only brought six and all my dresses are backless or strapless?!?
Girls’ trips in my 30’s: I packed one pair of jeans, 3 tops, couple of cute hats, and 600 pairs of Spanx. Sara Blakely, we are the reason Spanx sales have not plummeted during COVID. Should you ever need a recommendation, I’ve now successfully tried on every piece of shapewear. But I’m here to tell you, no amount of Spanx in the world can out do those chips & queso, y’all.
3. “What’s that white powder on your debit card?”
“Oh, my Emergen-c packet busted in my purse.”
Between the five of us, we brought a pharmacy. You want to know if you’re old? This’ll do it. You need digestive tablets? I got you girl. Tums? Right here, baby. Melatonin? You want gummies or liquigels? Here, everyone take their liquid IV packet before bed!!
We brought along 6 bottles of Champagne. Left with 4 of them unopened. But there ain’t a single Ibuprofen to be found…
Looks like a wild time, but we're actually just trying to strengthen our immune systems
4. “We can just kitty split it at the end.” “Um, I’m not into that.”
Girls’ trips in your 20’s: Let’s split an entree. Oh, I’m just going to order an appetizer. I’m pretty sure you owe me $2.30 for the Uber. Don’t forget I paid for your $3 well drink that we got on happy hour. Why were we so broke in our 20’s?? I could nickel and dime you to death talking about a buncha penny-pinching bitches.
Girls’ trips in your 30’s: Can we order a bottle of Dom Perignon? I’m going to get this $18 cocktail that I can’t pronounce. I’m going to have the 8 oz Japenese Wagu beef cooked rare. No, I do not mind the upcharge. Should we randomly book this $300 photographer for a photoshoot? That’s a unanimous YES! All of the sudden we have jobs. We can (almost, for the most part, kind of) afford nice things. What is this life?? Who am I kidding? I still work in education. Don’t tell my husband about this. I told him we ate $3 tacos that night and he doesn’t have access to my credit card statement.
For those of you wondering about the kitty split, it’s an app that tracks your expenses, who paid for what, how much each person owes. Name is terrible. App is terrific.
5. "Can I get 50 White Castle burgers?" "We only have 47." "Ok, that’s fine. Can we also get every dessert on a stick?"
Here’s what you need to know about late nights. You’re thinking of your twenties. Bars closed at 2 am. Wandering around trying to decide between a pizza or a burger. Settling on the pizza. Waiting in line for 40 minutes. Finally eating around 3:15 am and falling asleep with a fourth slice that's only half eaten.
Oh, that wasn’t your 20’s experience? Yeah, mine either *cough cough* A friend told me about it.
I think we all know that White Castle order was not a sober decision. But, as a sober person right now, I still respect the shit out of it. The best part about late nighting in your 30’s is that this little gemstone of a shenanigan actually occurred at 11:30pm. Because gals in their 30’s don’t late night. We brunch. We day drink. We nap. We leave the bar at 11 so we can get a full 9 hours of sleep since we aren’t with our kids. Ain’t life grand?
Morning Sunshine.
6. “Bachelorette parties are for suckers!”
At this point in your life, you’ve either had a Bachelorette party or you’ve been to a bachelorette party. If you’re lucky, you’ve reached a point where almost all of your friends are married so you never have to go on one again.
Let me tell you, in Nashville, the only thing more common than a Bachelorette party with their matching boots and cowgirl hats (one with a veil obvi) is a group celebrating a Birthday.
As it turns out, we were celebrating a birthday. But that just didn’t feel special. Gotta go big in Nashville. We are not basic. We will never be basic. So, we discovered the secret of how to be treated like the Queens we are. Divorce party! If you go out, and you tell them it is a divorce party (which was true, just not our primary celebration), you will be celebrated like you won the lottery. Might as well be royalty. Meghan Markle, is that you? No, just a group of slightly older hotties celebrating their first Bumble Account at age 35.
You know what everyone is tired of? The bride-to-be. You know what everybody loves? A gal dusting herself off after a divorce. Drinks for everyone!
7. What do magicians and cowboys have in common?
Besides those are the guys we invited back to the party in the hotel lobby. Nothing. That’s literally the only thing they have in common. Sorry if you were waiting for a good joke.
In your 20’s: every girl for herself! Scanning the room for the hottest guy in the bar.
In your 30’s: Talk to the magician who actually WORKS at the bar. Hey, your magic tricks are cool. We’re going to get a drink at the hotel bar. Do you want to come when you get off? Bring the cards.
You haven’t lived until you’ve come back with a magician.
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